Mags: Glamour ain't all easy breezy

Though she may look it with her slightly frazzled blonde hair, peachy makeup, light tan and colourful Dries Van Noten wrap-top, Charlize Theron isn’t the kind of easy-breezy girl you might associate with summer, which makes her an odd choice for a July issue. Nevertheless, she’s the kind of woman who reflects the magazine’s mix of light and heavy; reality and fantasy; optimism and cynicism; pretty and pretty unfortunate (refer here to Dos & Don’ts).

As you probably know, Theron went to the school of hard knocks (something which a few young actresses could do with enrolling) and steadfastly refuses to play the part of objectified babe on screen. As Glamour tells us (but we kinda already know), her mother killed her alcoholic father when she was a teenager, she left home at 16 to model in Milan, she was forced to quit dancing at 18 when her knees failed and lived in cheap motels and stole food to survive until she was discovered by a talent manager… then she won an Oscar for her portrayal of serial killer Aileen Wuornos in Monster, a role for which she packed on 30 pounds (about 13.5 kilos).

All this drama makes for a quite serious disposition and an ability to articulate an opinion without fear of stepping on toes (if I ran into her in a dark alley, I’d bolt). Theron is quick to point out, in her typically sarcastic South African way, that she’s complicated, just like every other woman, though there are few roles on offer which reflect this because writers believe women who are flawed and complicated aren’t likable (I personally find it hard to warm to her in a Katherine Heigl way). Still, she tells Glamour, she’s comfortable with her sexuality, thinks Janet Jackson’s Boobgate incident was blown way out of proportion, says that it’s intrigue, not necessarily love, that keeps her and Stuart Townsend together (she also says she’s not the marrying kind), is voting for Obama, and doesn’t believe in five-year plans, as she’d rather live in the moment.

This is a philosophy Theron shares, along with a few other ‘fierce feminist’ traits, with Andrea Coller, the feisty, spirited winner of the magazine’s personal essay contest who, we’re told in the editor’s note, passed away as the last issue hit the stands (you can read her essay on the website). Coller wrote: “How does a sarcastic, tattooed, music-obsessed, Tic Tac-popping, vodka-drinking 27-year-old feel when her cancer comes back for the third time? Angry – and determined to come out alive.”
After the sobering introduction (one which reminds us how ultimately fruitless some of our daily pursuits are – i.e. dieting – as is striving for perfection, rather than being ourselves), you might be relieved (or peeved) to fritter away your time flicking past the pages of easily digestible Dos, Don’ts, News & Views; pages of summer beauty ideas for the curly-haired, good-skin-challenged and cosmetic-a-holic; and catwalk-inspired fashion pages (‘Dresses that go everywhere’; ‘Look like a Greek Goddess’; ‘6 Dresses for your shape’).

As I’ve already commented, I’m fond of the new ‘Love her style!’ page, through which we meet a ‘real woman’ wearing something cute and find out where she got her garb and what yanks her stylistic chain. While it’s a fashion page, and we learn that Jeanie Lim is an artist by trade, as with The Sartorialist, I’d be keen to know more about these women than how many pairs of shoes they own – like, where do they work, what are their passions, etc. Clothes say a lot about who a woman is, but not all of it.

This month in the ‘Body By Glamour’ series, we’re told how to make BBQ chicken burgers (cooking exciting new dishes = keeps us from reverting to old unhealthy habits), encouraged to drink more water (don’t go confusing thirst for hunger – oh, durr; so know this, but it’s a good reminder… slurp, guzzle, ahh), shown how to satisfy cravings without, you know, packing fat (I like the nutritionist’s mantra of: “Your next meal is more important than your last one” – get over the guilt, ladies), and avoid hidden calorie traps (picture of the ‘fat’ meal is pretty much exactly what I had for dinner last night – salmon with asparagus, hollandaise and whipped potatoes (whoops). We’re also given some more exercises to perform with chairs and weights ala J.Lo in that Flash Dance inspired film clip.

The Men, Sex & Love section gives us readers’ steamy summer love moments, guys’ surprise turn-ons (lick your lips, make eye contact, wear silver hoop earrings?), ‘7 lies ever guy tells’ (in which male columnist Jake reminds us to be deeply suspicious of men and their motives), and ‘My wife is a sex expert’ (their resolution to her very public sex life and his very sensitive response to her former escapades: “Whenever I thought of her with someone else, I should immediately remember (but not share) an incident from my sex life. The more detailed the better. This would distract me from my jealousy and remind me of how meaningless past exploits really are.”)

In Life & Happiness, we learn how to ‘say no without feeling rude, lame or lazy’ (the great Glamour scapegoat’s got our backs), which includes 14 pointers, like ‘I don’t want to say yes and then let you down’ and ‘I don’t want to say no but I have to’ (any which way, you’re likely to still get an attack of the guilts). Further on, we’re asked, ‘Is your body normal?’, which encourages us to compare with a bunch of statistics, then we’re told we can’t change our butt shapes, as they’re genetic, but we can change our waists. Hmm. In more great Glamour scapegoat action, we’re told, ‘Hey, it’s OK… to think about your eBay bid during sex.’

Real Stories gives us two women who ‘broke free of Scientology’ and started a website for escapees (exscientologykids.com), some info on child marriages and a story on young women who ‘overextended’ to buy into the property market and are now stuck in mortgage hell (eek, so much for the dream). Things start to lighten up with ‘Summer’s best-ever dares!’, the magazine page equivalent to not telling your friend she’s got snot on her face (it’s embarrassing for them, embarrassing for us and sort of cruel and immature in a high-school way – why run it?).

‘5 ways to have a crazy-happy summer’ involves a scandalous beach read, wearing coral lip colour and Jelly sandals, making out and laughing at the fashion crimes committed by other women (there are no fewer than six delicious pages of Dos & Don’ts with bare bottoms, Suri hair, boobs without bras and ‘unskimpy’ bikinis).


‘Clothes to have fun in’ include a Michael Kors dress, D&G dress, and Galliano hoodie (let’s hope your summer job pays well). ‘Sunny Day Chic’ is a gorgeous shoot that has me craving a spotty dress, stripy tees and peasant blouse; very Brigitte Bardot. Escapism express. Loving.


The beauty looks we should be attempting are shimmery skin, red lips, an accent braid, sea blue eyes, a buffed bare back, va-va voom waves and a confident body (does the last one come in a bottle?).
Rounding out the issue is ‘How to not get cancer’, which tells us how to best reduce our risk of contracting the Big C (I feel I should share, though the essential message is – be healthy): get some exercise; stop after one drink; eat fruit and veggies (esp. tomatoes, spinach, broccoli and blueberries); keep your weight stable; get enough Vitamin D from the sun; quit smoking; eat brown rice and bread; don’t eat too much steak; wear SPF; choose organic; don’t char meat; consider the Pill; get the HPV vaccine; breast-feed; be optimistic.

101 ways to have the best sex of your life contains a list of songs to get you in the mood (“Ooh La La” by Goldfrapp; “I Wanna Be Your Lover” by Prince), ways to keep the interest alive in your sex life (dirty texting; sleeping-naked Sundays) and the best times to go commando (“Warm night, flowy skirt, the movies with someone deserving”). One page on, ‘The other woman’ takes us inside the guilty minds of women who cheat with coupled-up men – needless to say, the outcomes are not pretty: what goes around comes around. Back to man-pleasing antics, we get ‘Make him fall in love: a recipe showdown’ (Engagement Chicken versus Man-Loaf Meatloaf), which reminds us that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach (presumably after we’ve captured his attention with our between-the-sheets skills – men = simple creatures). ‘12 good ways to be a little bit bad’ (the Glamour guilt scapegoat strikes again!) and Summer Night Dos & Don’ts (getting a flogging this picture-happy issue) round out the issue.
Overall excitement factor: 5
Feel-good factor: 5
Eye-candy rating: 4

The Stats
Issue: July 2008
Book size: 186 pages
Inside front cover: L’Oreal Paris
Back cover: Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue
FOB ads: Smart Water, Baby Phat, Vogue eyewear, Chanel lipgloss, Diet Coke, Neutrogena, Olay, Nivea Good-bye Cellulite…
Editor-in-Chief: Cynthia Leive
Publisher: Conde Nast
Website: glamour.com

Yours truly,
Girl With a Satchel