Mags: Get your Glamour on

I have a Glamour-induced migraine. I feel impotent and indecisive. I have always liked US Glamour, despite the sniggers I used to get from former colleagues (you know who you are!) who thought it kind of inferior to its flashy/trashy UK counterpart (I concede, UK Glamour is a mini-sized treat of visual candy). For me, the 'Hey, it's OK...' page, which is basically your free ticket to being lazy/anti-social/selfish/uncultured/mediocre, is worth the cover price alone (who needs therapy when your guilty behaviour is forgiven by a mass magazine?). This month it says it's okay to "buy $200 shoes but hoard Splenda packets from Starbucks". Woo – ticket to indulgent spending and stealing! (God would be appalled).

Essentially, Glamour wants to atone for your sins while encouraging you to tone up. It empathises with the struggles of modern women to live up to worldly expectations. It knows most of us feel like we're falling short in some way – from our careers, maintaining work/life balance, performing in bed, diet/weight, relationships, dating, understanding men, yellowing teeth, stumpy eyelashes, crap hair, celebrity obsession, failure to orgasm, shitty self-esteem, cooking ability, choice of unflattering swimsuit... And the magazine exists to help us feel better about all this – kind of. Because if you felt totally better, the mag would do itself out of a job, right? So, it gives us real women to identify with and 'real girl' celebrities like Fergie, but then slaps us in the face with a skinny model or two, Jessica Alba in a bikini, Ivanka Trump playing Martha Stewart-meets-Mary Poppins ("Ivanka Trump, make over my dump!") and ads for mouthwatering but almost definitely high-calorie Oscar Mayer Deli Creations to keep us in our places. And that's why I'm in two minds (migraine!) about the mag.

In her editor's note, Cindy Leive disses the child-like shapes of models at the recent shows before taking us back to the "real world" where one can "gain five pounds between breakfast and lunch". She's happy that Hollywood is getting real, too: "the jutting-collarbone look that was popular two years ago seems to have mellowed ever so slightly in favour of Scarlett-and-Rihanna curves; on television, the self-loathing-powered The Swan has been replaced by the more positive vibe of The Biggest Loser...". She the officially launches the fourth annual Body by Glamour program, "an undiet dedicated to making your body the best it can be... There's no starvation, no running stadium stairs and definitely no supermodel standards – though if you follow it to the end, I'm pretty sure you'll be strutting your stuff with Gisele-ian confidence in no time."

It's a good sell. And you know I'm already crushing on the staffer they've appointed to blog about her Body by Glamour experience. I think that's great. I just hope all the women partaking in said program don't become so consumed by the scales/food planning/exercise that they forget that 'it's okay to just chillax every now and then, coz worry is evil and diets rot your brain.'
After a pages of Dos, Dont's, News & Reviews (I had to chuckle at the picture accompanying Iman's quote about women needing clothes that "uplift" their daily lives, in which her boobs look a little lopsided and lacking in ample support... a page on and Nicole Kidman is wishing for bigger boobs), the 'Hero of the Month' (a cashed-up divorcee helping establish orphanages), beauty (time to rethink your skin routine for summer; less-is-more hairstyles are where it's at; we like sparkly things; wear raspberry lipstick; buy new perfume; streaks are very 90s), the 'Fashion' section leads in with real women on the beach, who Glamour has generously fitted out in new swimsuits that better flatter their body shapes (see what a little extra fabric and a professional stylist can do?). I have to say, the results are quite good, though clearly the after shots got more PhotoShop treatment than the before. We're also given pages of swimmers to suit every body shape, accompanied by a shot of a real woman, a page of 'Real women, cute suits!' and celebrities in their bathers (cue Jessica Alba's perfect bum).

In the 'Health & Body Book', Glamour asks, 'Is he good for your health?', 'Could the Pill harm your heart?' and 'do you have cancer?' (well, not actually, but four pages are dedicated to helping you detect if you do). Then leading into the Body by Glamour special is this page...

Three dream models bodies (as in 'yeah, dream on!'). Inside is 'The Plan', which tells us we'll be shaping up over 12 weeks, with a trainer, nutritionist and co-dieter (blogger Margarita) helping us along the way ("this plan is about toning up the body you've got"). If you sign up for the plan, you can win a trip to Hawaii or a workout outfit. This month, we meet the nutritionist, Carrie Latt Wiatt, who says we need to eat three meals a day plus two snacks and to keep our meals balanced with 1/2 carbs, 30 per cent protein and 20 per cent healthy fats. We get a sample day of meals (eggs, Thai beef noodles, shrimp stir-fry) and snacks (low-fat pudding; small banana with peanut butter – why do Americans have peanut butter with everything, I wonder?) and are told to write down what we plan to eat (and then what we actually eat), edit our kitchen fridge and cupboards and get a clue about portion sizes. Our trainer, Teddy Bass, wants us to work on strength and cardio and there's a model showing us how to do arm and leg lifts and stuff. That's about it... on your bikes, ladies!

It's a well balanced magazine (like a 50/30/20 meal!), with patches of fluffy lifestyle and celebrity content (50) supplemented by more serious or feel-good features (30) and personal stories (20). 'You're braver than you think', 'Could you live without e-mail?'and 'Are you normal about celebrities?' are lighthearted no-brainer reads; in 'Real Stories' we meet amputee Amy, whose passion is marathons and triathlons, learn about news organisations' celebrity obituary lists ('at-risk' celebs like Amy Winehouse, Mary-Kate Olsen, Whitney Houston and Courtney Love are on it), get insights into the female educational crisis in Afghanistan, and Ayana Mathis gives a gripping, four-page first-person account of living with her mother's mental disorder.
Glamour BUZZ says sports stars are the hottest boyfriends to have, talks up the It couple of '08 (Madonna and JT), chats with Forgetting Sarah Marshall actor Jason Segal, and sends a poor girl (model?) to the beach in a Baywatch costume and pair of heels just for kicks.

The 'hello hello' section leads in with 'Welcome to the summer of "I am hot"'. This is followed by 'Pick a color, any color', a spread featuring "juicy-fruit" shades, which I really quite like, four pages of longer, lusher lashes, 'The chic swimsuit is back' (more material, less floss), '100 days of great summer hair' (a fun six-page spread) and 'The shape of things to wear', which educates us about cinched waists, egg-shape skirts, angular vests, triangle-sleeve tops, cropped pants and the like.

Of course, you already know all there is to know about Fergie, because she's been featured in every other magazine talking about her crystal meth addiction a zillion times before. She's keeping mum about the wedding details, speaks to her therapist once a week, watches The Secret for motivation and keeps a journal ("I like myself better when I just pour it out"), does vinegar shots to stay regular and admires Gwen Stefani for how she's handled motherhood (it must be super-hard when you've got bucketloads of money and assistants for everything). She has some positive things to say about body image: "I have learned more and more to enjoy my body when I have a few extra pounds on, just being more voluptuous"; "I say, focus on the body part that you feel most comfortable about".
To round out, we get 'Guess where I got my good looks!', a Dove-esque photo shoot of women with their mothers/grandmothers/siblings, Glamour's Little Book of Self Esteem (fun and feel-good; nothing deep here), 'What my wife went through to have these babies (the cutest babies ever, mind you), a taxing story on the trials of IVF, Ivanka and '10 commandments for total happiness' (act your shoe size; preserve your little rituals; celebrate silly-versaries...).

Overall excitement factor: 5/6
Feel-good factor: 5
Eye-candy rating: 2/3

The Stats
Issue: May 2008
Book size: 294 pages
Inside front cover: Cartier
Back cover: Maybelline NY
FOB: Champion, Estee Lauder, UGG, Maybelline, Gucci by Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Redken...
Editor-in-chief: Cindi Leive
Publisher: Conde Nast
Website: www.glamour.com

Yours truly,
Girl With a Satchel